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Disclaimer: I give full credit to the folks at
MCA Universal and of course Ren Pictures for the creation and characters of
Xena, Warrior Princess.
In no way am I trying to
steal from them any thunder and/or profit by the writing of this story. So
basically I am saying, no copyright infringement was intended. Additionally,
the lyrics to the song included in this story were written and performed
brilliantly by Tracy Chapman and come from her newest CD, Telling Stories. Go
buy it, its great.
Subtext Warning: I do not believe a friendship
warrants having a warning assigned to it, but just in case someone’s
imagination runs away with them, if you are under 18 or this is illegal in your
state/country, or you may be offended by it, you may want to choose something
else to read. Its your loss.
Acknowledgments: First, I want to thank Kam for all
your help and encouragement in the writing of this story. I really needed it
and greatly appreciate it. And second, I would like to acknowledge the person
who gave me the inspiration to write this, you know who you are. I would have
been just as happy to not be so inspired, but such is life. (I’d say it in
French but you know I can barely spell English correctly).
Feedback: BlindzonElyzon@aol.com
Michelle sat unmoving on the couch in front of the fireplace, transfixed
by the dancing blaze. The crackling and hissing of the dried wood being
consumed by the flames were the only sounds in the silence of the now empty
house.
Tears that had flown freely throughout the evening, now lay drying on
her face and upon the pages of the book she cradled in her lap. The emptiness
of this house once filled with love was appropriately symbolic of the emptiness
she now felt inside her. She sat watching as the flames lapped at another one
of her pages, consuming it greedily until only charred remains fell to the
ground.
Michelle turned and looked wantonly at the phone sitting on her desk at
the far side of the room. It didn’t ring. She couldn’t hold back the deep sigh
that escaped her lips and, with that, it took every last bit of reserve she had
mustered out of her.
Hands trembling, Michelle lifted the book from her lap and placed it on
the couch beside her. Running her fingers nervously through her short blonde
hair, she shook her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts and walked over to
her desk. The need to speak with Mae fluttered in her stomach. Tentatively she
reached for the receiver and began dialing the number but before she pushed the
last digit, she replaced the receiver back upon its cradle.
‘I can’t do this’, she told herself, ‘What would be the point?’ .
Michelle’s strength left her and she could feel her knees begin to
buckle. The trembling that had been confined to her hands, now dispersed
throughout her until the whole of her body was weak. She made her way back to
the couch and collapsed from the effort it had taken to remain in control all
this time. No longer could she contain the emotions she had pushed down inside
her. It came rushing out, tears and sobs racking her body and soul.
Slowly the waves of raw emotion dissipated and Michelle’s spent body lay
on the couch aching and wanting to recover. All feeling had left her and the
numbness of exhaustion set in. She could not move, even the shaking had left
and now she lay there, still.
The stillness only occupied her body, it was her mind that now had hold
of her. Michelle allowed her thoughts to drift back to a time that was happier
and full of promise. She envisioned her first encounter with Mae, in the
computer lab. How they both had similar interests and made each other laugh
with silly banter. She remembered her first impression of Mae and the strange
excitement she felt when she entered the room. A slight smile tapered across
her lips as she remembered the manner in which Mae carried herself, exuding
confidence and assuredness, and her stature assisted her in pulling it off
further.
Mae was a tease and knew how to elicit the desired shocked responses
from Michelle and reveled in her ability to do so. Michelle now found her face
flushing red with the embarrassment relived from memory. However she could not
stifle the laughter that escaped as she recalled Mae’s inopportune typos.
She remembered Mae leaving her a note declaring that she was capable of
taking care of matters and that she was a "bi girl now".
"I don’t think so Mae", Michelle whispered under her breath.
The loneliness began seeping back into her consciousness and replaced
the warmth of her memories. Michelle’s tears began to flow again. She picked up
the book next to her and held it close, wanting to draw comfort from it
somehow. Instead it was a painful reminder of what was once there and she
ripped another page from her journal and laid it upon the flames and thought of
the connection they both had declared to share, a common bond. They had gotten
along so well and talked about everything, nothing was off limits.
"Where did it go?" Michelle spoke to the fire before her,
hoping to understand and seeking an answer.
As if in response, the page was quickly consumed by the flames and now
gone, its embers flew up into the dark recess of the chimney and away. Michelle
again thought of the symbolism of that action as she began to tear yet another
one of her writings from the book. She stopped to look at this one, reading it
softly aloud:
In my entire life I have never been so unsure as I have been these last
few months. Fear mixed with confusion and self-doubt has reigned, and I am
exhausted from it all. The things I had known to be true have all dissolved
into uncertainty and I am now beginning a new journey to seek out who I truly
am, for I have been lost all too long.
I have buried questions deep inside me for some many years, not wanting
to explore what may be true, afraid of what I might find. However, my
unhappiness would no longer permit me to entomb these questions anymore. I
began acknowledging there had to be something more for me, and with that
acknowledgment came a need to search for the answers.
I have always lived in fear, fear of somebody finding out the truth
about me, what I really am, and would I be able to live up to the expectations
put upon me. Instead of being honest with myself first, and then those around
me, I have been hiding, but I can no longer do this. I need to know who I
really am.
I had to talk to someone, had to know I wasn’t loosing my mind, and I
had to begin to trust someone, but who? I found that someone almost by
accident. I didn’t know when I began talking to her who she was, what to
expect, but I found her to be humorous and that gained my attention
immediately. There is something unique about her, her strength, her wisdom, her
heart all more than her years of life should allow any one person. Yet she was
childlike at times, in her acceptance, beliefs, and energy, all seemed
boundless.
Our first talks were not remarkable except it began the basis of our
friendship. It is also where I began testing the waters to determine what would
be most safe for me. She did not blanche, she pursued each subtle revelation
and encouraged me to move forth. I felt myself being drawn out of the darkness
that had encompassed me. I was existing but certainly not living, and with this
realization new life began breathing in me again.
Those around me that had known me questioned if these small changes were
genuine and would not accept what they saw. But I was no longer the person I
once was. I was finding my way, and she encouraged me to continue.
My life began changing, but it was not easy putting the old ways behind
me, years of practice and familiarity made it safe to remain the same. But I
could not continue in that manner. Instead of doing what others expected, I
began doing what I wanted and for the greater good. It was difficult for me,
but she gave me the encouragement I needed.
As I revealed more of myself to her, I began learning more about me too.
My thoughts and feelings for her became more than that of friendship. We had a
connection, an understanding, although we were incredibly different people. I
began to love her, and with that, the fear returned and brought along questions
as companions. How could I love her because I wasn’t worthy of her love? What
gave me the right to ask more of her than I might be able to give? I was afraid
of being loved by her nearly as much as not being loved by her, then what would
I do if she didn’t return it?
All these questions tormented me and the fear taunted me. I had her
acceptance at this point, but what if I asked too much of her, more than she
was willing to give? I was afraid of losing her and her friendship and
therefore remained silent and again the silence shrouded me in its darkness. I
had to tell her, for I promised to always be honest with her and keeping this
part of me from her would be the deepest lie of all.
Fear had kept me away too long and now hope will give me the strength I
need. I love her and can only dream that she can love me as well.
I will tell her
Michelle shook her head in disbelief as she read her own words, amazed
by its prophetic nature and surprised she had written them so long ago.
Again she allowed her mind to wander, to the moment when she told Mae of
her love for her and much to her relief, Mae had responded in kind. A smile
crossed her lips at the memory of that and the warmth that had radiated her
entire being at the thought of the love and acceptance she so desperately
sought.
Mae had been putting in long hours at work and was becoming more
irritable, questioning if this is what she wanted to be doing the rest of her
life. Michelle listened. For a change it was Mae having doubts. The
conversation had moved beyond these questions and ventured on to their
relationship. Michelle relived the nervousness even now, remembering how she
wanted to tell Mae her feelings but was afraid to let them go. Finally, not
knowing where she summoned the courage from, Michelle told Mae, "I love
you", and held her breath in anticipation.
Mae smiled And replied easily, "I love you to bits too".
Michelle felt the rush of excitement, or was it relief, as she drew air
back into her lungs. She felt loved for the first time in a very long time and
this person who loved her, also accepted her.
A shifting log brought her thoughts quickly out of its reverie and the
coldness of reality returned. She shivered briefly and again placed her words
to the flames, drawing them back as the edge caught, and then tossing it into
the fire’s gaping mouth. She continued to feed the ravenous flames page after
page of her thoughts and feelings about their relationship. The cold numbness
of the action allowed Michelle to continue with little thought or emotion. Hoping
to finish in this manner, Michelle tried without success to keep her mind from
wandering to those last talks with Mae. Try as she might, she could not stop
herself and the tears began their trek again to the pages below.
Mae had become distant at some point, Michelle couldn’t remember when it
had begun. Their conversations became short, unfeeling. The humor that once
made them both laugh had disappeared. Michelle remembered the creeping anxiety
she had felt, it had replaced the excited anticipation that had once been
there. The anxiety gave way to the fear that was mounting inside her, the
knowing that something had changed.
‘But what?’ Michelle felt the despair settling in again.
Mae seemed so callused during their talks and had become a stranger to
Michelle. The comfort Michelle took talking with Mae had now become
defensiveness. Attempts to discover what was truly happening were dismissed,
but Michelle could not leave it alone. Something was wrong, she could feel it.
The anger welled up inside her, she felt the fury building. "Why
couldn’t you leave things alone?", Michelle screamed into the silence
surrounding her.. "If you ...." her words trailed off.
In her heart Michelle knew the answer before she had even asked it. She
remembered the apologies from Mae and how they sounded so hollow. The promises
Mae had once made, offering her friendship, her acceptance, her willingness to
listen all were gone now. That final conversation, Michelle could barely speak,
fighting the tears that choked her words. Even now her throat tightened,
continuing the same battle for control.
She so desperately did not want to say it, but there was nothing left
said and uttered, "good-bye", and left.
Michelle held the last page in her hand and was unable to read the words
through her swollen, tear filled green eyes. As if an internal struggle was
taking place, her body shook with the aching pain she was living through. Using
her already damp sleeve, she wiped at her eyes and read what she had written
only hours ago:
Where to begin? It seems useless to rehash it from the beginning because
it is the present that I must learn to deal with. All these emotions, this
hatred of self, the blaming, all of it. How did this happen and why? I don’t
think I will ever really know the reality of that question much less understand
it.
I am such a fool.
What made me trust her from the beginning? My need. I was blinded by my
need. I needed to know the truth about me, explore all the questions I had been
having. I needed acceptance and understanding. I needed to not be judged, and
telling all these things to a stranger should have been the easy part of it. Who
cares what a stranger thinks? But that became the problem didn’t it? At what
point did she stop being a stranger and became a friend?
I was so hesitant from the beginning, but I let myself go. Replacing
doubt and uncertainty, and putting in its place trust. Reassurances were there
then. I ignored the alarms from the others around me telling them and myself
that I knew her, they didn’t. What was even worse is that I deceived my self as
well. I thought I was just fearful, unable to believe others for what they
were. The doubts that arose, I blamed me for being so insecure. I betrayed me
more than anyone in all of this. I lost my way in the wanting of it all.
I was willing to take the blame for all mistakes and insecurities. I
wanted to please her, make her laugh because that made me happy. I went against
my better judgment and my instincts because I was vulnerable and foolishly
trusting.
I ignored the signs in front of me that things were changing. I
continued to blame me because I believed she was telling me the truth. She
promised to tell the truth and be honest. I believed her. Just because one
person is honest, probably more honest than they had been with any one person
in their entire life, that doesn’t mean the recipient of the truth is truly
worthy of it. What a painful lesson to learn.
I have revealed a part of me, opened my soul, my deepest secrets, given
the real me to her and now I have been turned away. How will I trust someone
again? In time....‚maybe. Isn’t that what they say, give it some time? The time
I am living in is this moment, and it is a horrible void to be in.
I sit here in disbelief, how could this have happened? I am numb at
times, at others I berate myself for allowing this to happen. I should have
known better. At times, the despair and pain of losing a friend is so
completely overwhelming that I am engulfed by sorrow. The anguish I feel bears
down on me, a constant reminder of my idiocy.
Who will I share these thoughts with now? This is the type of thing we
would talk about; I opened up to her and revealed who I was. I did that with
the everyday happenings as well. I gave it all to her and now what do I do with
it?
I had made her a part of my life, part of my day, and a part of my
routine. Now there is a gap that serves as a vicious reminder of what was once
there and the emptiness I now feel. The reminders taunt me in the long run; it
has only proven me right.
Should I have kept all my thoughts to myself, not explore the
possibilities, kept my emotions safely tucked away? The pain of rejection makes
me want to say yes, but even in that I hesitate, because despite my sorrow now,
I felt loved then. Now only to heal from these wounds and maybe, someday, I
will have it again with another.
She was a friend that I loved. I say it as if it were in the past only
to further protect my injured heart. I am a fool and once again I am alone, but
now it is even lonelier here.
Give it some time.
The words echoed in her mind uncomprehendingly. "Time....¦",
she whispered, the sound barely passing her lips.
Michelle’s green eyes were mesmerized by the firelight. The light
flickered and the shadows danced, giving her thoughts refuge. She felt a calm quiet
settle over her. Somewhere behind her, she heard a sound, it was speaking to
her.
"Michelle?"
The sound became a voice and through the haze that clouded her mind,
Michelle recognized it as being Mae’s. Slowly, as if not to break the spell,
she turned to look at Mae watching her. Mae’s concerned expression evident in
those searing blue eyes.
"Michelle, are you alright?"
She was unsure how to respond. Wanting to tell the woman before her she
was fine, that all they shared was no big deal, that she was already feeling
better and over her, would have been the easy and probably smart thing to do.. But
the truth would haunt her with regret.
"No Mae, I’m not alright", the words did not sound natural to
her own ears. Pain forced her on, "I trusted you, believed you, thought I
mattered to you and somehow all that is gone now and I don’t understand why. I
deserve better than this." She took a deep breath and finished,
"Mae... I, I will be your loss."
Michelle sat upright on the couch, startled. A sudden breeze had slammed
the bedroom door shut and brought her back to stark reality. She looked about
the room and found no sign of Mae. "It must have been a dream", she
mumbled as she shook out the remaining shards of fantasy.
The darkness of the house had been replaced with the faint rays of
sunlight dawning. The breeze washed over Michelle as if breathing new life back
into her. She sat there thinking of all she had been through but this time, did
not feel the crushing weight of despair. Still holding the last page in her
hand, Michelle hesitated to let it go. Somehow it was the final link to Mae.. Reality
had told her to expect never to hear from her again, but hope had held on.
"Did you know Mae... " the words choked in her throat,
"how much you meant to me?"
The tears had finally stopped falling. The ache remained a part of her,
but it was less now. Michelle read her words again and realized what she
needed..
"Time", she told herself aloud.
With that, Michelle crumpled the paper in her grasp and threw it into
the purging fire before her. She watched as the embers flamed up and took hold
of this fragile representation of their friendship. There was no hesitation
from the flames, no sentiment, only its single purpose. That page held the
thought, emotion, and honesty she had given Mae, and now, in mere seconds all
was gone. Michelle had been seeking solace in trying to understand, but what
she now understood was, she needed... time.
Picking up the emptied book from her lap, Michelle walked over to the
trashcan next to her desk and dropped it in. She took in a deep breath and
turned to go, and at that very moment, the phone rang. The sound was deafening.
Michelle could only stare at it, unmoving. The ringing continued and
brought her out of immobility. Hesitantly, she reached for the receiver.
"No, I won’t", Michelle told herself, turning away from the
phone.
Instead, she walked over to the stereo and put on a CD. Drowning out the
ringing, she moved to the music and listened to the words, taking comfort in
them.
There’s fiction in the space between,
the lines on your page and memories.
Write it down, but it doesn’t mean
you’re not just telling stories.
There’s a fiction in the space between,
you and reality.
You would do and say anything,
to make your life seen, less mundane.
There’s a fiction in the space
between you and me
There’s a science fiction
in the space between, you and me.
A fabrication of the grandest scheme
where I’m the scary monster
sometimes a lie is the best thing."
Michelle could still feel the dull ache of loss, but in her heart, she
knew the truth,
"Damn it, I was too good for her anyway!"
She smiled, and headed to the kitchen. After all, there was a
half-gallon of ice cream waiting for her...