~ Seeking Her
In Peace ~
By
BlindzonElyzon
Disclaimers: The characters
of Xena, Warrior Princess are the property of MCA/Universal and Ren Pics. I am
only borrowing.
Acknowledgements:
Kamouraskan, as always thank you for your help.
Special Notes: I am grateful
that these two women exist even though they may be fictional. They allow me to
create and release.
Feedback: Is always welcomed and replied to. BlindzonElyzon@aol.com
I feel
the cold wind blowing the wisps of snow across my chilled face. I have long
since stopped caring about the coldness pressing down upon me, claiming my
exposed features. The numbness has set in and it is now welcomed.
My
thoughts stop for but a moment but then once again resume their racing flow.
The barrage is constant and filled with fear of…the unknown and damning guilt.
The
emotions I feel only incite these thoughts, leaving me overwhelmed and
confused.
I need
her back; yet there is indifference to my needs for again I am not deserving of
having them met.
I did
nothing to stop this. I did not act to save her, or for that matter, myself. I
let her down. I failed.
The
coldness brings on sleep. Finally, I feel less and the berating thoughts are
becoming more subdued. I have long since stopped feeling my surroundings and
the coldness is now seeping within, reaching my soul, giving it comfort.
Peace
is nearly here.
Not
forgiveness.
Barely
seeing now, the snow swirling about me and the form in front of me. The blood
nearly disappeared with each drifting blow of the white blanket. Hiding my
transgression. Putting away my failure.
I won’t
leave her. Now I can’t. I will remain until we are together again. I am alone
now, part of that is my doing but it is unwelcomed and unwanted. The void
yearns to be filled but I am unsure I will ever be complete again.
I look
unseeingly at her. Thoughts are beginning to slow and to my relief, nothingness
is being perceived. The white grows darker, first gray and now nearly black. I
will not take my unseeing eyes from her.
I was
not there for her the first time, but I will be now. I will be always.
Rest
now, I will be here but I must rest. I will not leave you again.
Nothing,
the pain is gone, the heaviness replaced by…nothing. My thoughts no longer
here…only on…sleep.
I will
find you there. Wait for me…I am coming…now.
Peace.